Day 17: Jennifer Carey

Psalms 139:7-10, 17-18
”I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me…How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!“

This year I became a mom! And let me just say… there’s no book, podcast or advice  that can actually prepare you for this journey. Before having Luca, I planned for almost everything postpartum but I didn’t think about how I would continue to nourish my relationship with the Lord or at least I thought it wouldn’t be THAT affected. I didn’t realize my capacity for most things would greatly diminish, including my ability to partake in the means of grace that help me grow spiritually. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t give the same amount of time as I had before to communing with the Lord.
Is He still near? Am I disappointing Him? I wondered, as I navigated my way through the first month postpartum, exhausted. One night after Luca had an over-tired episode and he finally settled down, I held him close and said “I love you because you’re mine”. I said those words because there was nothing he could or couldn’t do that would make my love for him any less; not even keep us awake for 2.5 hours of straight crying! My love for him was not based on his behavior. And in that moment, I realized those words I said to Luca were for me from the Lord too. He loves me not for anything I do or don’t do for Him but because I am His beloved daughter who he knit together in my mother’s womb.
God's love for me as His child has taken a whole new meaning and depth ever since becoming a mom to Luca. Not only was I encouraged that He was with me in that moment but He’s there in every season, regardless of my capacity. I was reminded that communing with God doesn’t look one way! And while sitting at the kitchen table with my Bible, journal, and cup of coffee is how many of us have been subliminally conditioned to believe nearness with God is obtained, mine just currently happens to look like changing a diaper, feeding, rocking Luca to sleep or doing laundry. And so, I gladly boast in the Lord for this new season!
"Lord, thank you that you do not abandon me. When I feel weary and exhausted, help me cast my worries unto you because you truly care about me! You love me because I am your beloved child. Help me remember in the midst of fatigue and what feels like a season of busyness that you give me rest. Thank you for drawing near to me when I draw near to you - whatever way that may look like. I love you, Lord.  In Jesus name, Amen."

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